Sunday, April 01, 2007

Comedist Commandments

Brothers, Sisters, and Transgenedered Comedists Everywhere:

One of the functions of a religion is to provide spiritual guidance on living life. So on this the holiest day of the year, I give unto you these fifteen…oy…these Ten Commandments:

1. I am the Lord Thy God, thou shalt have no other after me. Before me is fine, as long as he or she has decent material, I mean even the Lord Thy God could use someone to loosen up the crowd, but I'm the headliner damn it, no one follows the Big Guy, I warm up the room for no one.
2. Remember the Sabbath, Saturday night is the big one for comedy clubs and these poor schmucks are living on the road to make you laugh. Go see them occasionally, alright? And when they say two drink minimum, they mean minimum.
3. Thou shalt not kill, unless thy timing is really good.
4 Thou shalt not steal, except from the best..
5. Honor thy father and mother, but thy mother-in-law is still fair game.
6. Thou shalt not admit adultery, um, I mean commit adultery.
7. Thou shalt not worship American Idol.
8. God damn it, I mean Jesus H. Christ, would you stop taking my name in vain.
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness before thy neighbor, although baring thy backside before thy neighbor can be pretty funny...especially if he is having his boss over for dinner.
10. Do not covet thy neighbor’s house, they neighbor’s ass, nor thy neighbor’s wife…and not the last two, especially if he’s still in the house…you know the one that is so much nicer than yours, with the deck and the three car garage you’ve always wanted…

Sexual Ethics

A man shall not lay with another man as if with a woman, ask the woman as well, after all, you never know.

Do not spill thy seed upon the Earth…use a Kleenex like a civilized human being.

The Gold-Plated Rule

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you… as least while they’re looking.

Enjoy the holiday everyone!

Live, love, and laugh,

Irreverend Steve