Here Come Da Judgement

Brothers, Sisters, and Transgendered Comedists Everywhere,

Whilst Brother Steve enjoys the tranquility that accompanies an 8-hour drive with two small children, it has been bestowed upon me, a mere student of the Comedist arts and sciences to speak to you today.

As religions go, you have to admire the big ones for their ability to develop iconic images. The pits of hell have been portrayed by a wide variety of artists, and yet they all seem to look the same. So many versions of any religious stories will conjure the identical image, even though the image is far from that painted by the initial text. And what’s more interesting is that many of these scenes have been popularized, normalized, secularized and then played out over and over in comic sketches, scenes and jokes. Comedists have to not only respect other religions, but also thank them for their contributions to the greater Comedist good.

One of my favorite secularized images is that of the judgment unto heaven and the ever so popular pearly gates. This image, more than most, has been so frequently immortalized in comic strips and jokes. How many lawyers have been purported to approach St. Peter only to be turned away for the most comical of reasons?

A lawyer dies and approaches the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter looks in his book and is amazed. “Congratulations,” he says. “You are the oldest man ever to come to heaven. No, wait, those are your billable hours.”

How many jokes lead to the punch line with “Hey, how come he got that in heaven, and I only get this?”

A preacher is killed in a car wreck while riding in a cab. The preacher and the cabbie approach St. Peter and both are escorted in. They are given the full tour and then are led to an immaculate palace with all the luxuries one could ever desire. St. Peter turns to the cabbie and says, “Welcome to heaven, this luxurious mansion is yours.” The cabbie is delighted and immediately starts jumping on the furniture and making himself at home. The preacher is led away and can hardly contain himself with the anticipation of what must await him, a man of God. At last they arrive at a rundown, ramshackle tenement. “And here, father, is your house.” The preacher is taken aback and asks St. Peter how it is that after he devoted his entire life to the church that he is given such humble surroundings while the coarse and shady cabbie received an estate? “Preacher,” he said, “Here in heaven we go by results. You gave your sermons every week, and preached the gospel, but when people got into his cab, they prayed.”

And how often do you get to poke fun at the very figures of the religion with their own imagery?

3 ministers and their wives were just coming back from a convention when they were involved in a terrible car crash and were tragically killed. All 3 couples stood in line waiting to get into heaven. As they approached, St Peter opened the book of Judgment and said to the first man, “I can see that you were a good man, but you had one problem. You lusted after alcohol your entire life. You never drank, but your lust was so strong that you would never marry until you met a girl named Sherry. I’m sorry, but you can't come in.” The second minister approached St Peter and was told, “you were a good man also, but it says here that you lusted after money and your lust was so strong that you would not marry until you met a girl named Penny. I’m sorry, but you cannot come in either.” After hearing this, the third minister turned to his wife and said: “Come on Fanny, let’s leave.”

So what’s your favorite story of ole St. Pete? The Pope, the President and the toilet repairman may have walked into a bar together, but what happened when they all arrived at the pearly gates? Your donations are greatly appreciated.

May the Gracie of Allen be with you,

(Are you sleeping) Brother Paul