Thursday, October 25, 2007

Comedist Evangelism

Brothers, Sisters, and Transgendered Comedists Everywhere,

It is time to put the word in the streets. Other religions may try to bring the good news, but we alone bring the funny pages. So, this weekend we are evangelizing, we are seeking converts, we are going to establish the Comedist brand in the marketplace of contemporary worship options.

Tired of your old religion? Your dogmatic beliefs getting gray and dingy? We put Comedism under one arm and another religion under the other, let's which one smells better. I can't believe I swallowed the whole swallowed it, Ralph. This couple at a fancy restaurant doesn't realize that we've switched their regular theistic faith for Comedism, let's see what they think. Come take the Comedist challenge. When you compare your old religion to Comedism, you'll see why so many of your friends and neighbors have already made the switch:

Mainline Christianity
In their services you get a cracker and a sip of wine, Comedist services come with mozzarella sticks and a two drink minimum.

Their sacred language: Latin. Our sacred language: Pig Latin.

Jehovah's Witness
When we go knock-knock and someone says "Who's there?" it's not always followed by (under breath) Shit. (with a fake, forced smile) No thank you. (slams door)

Radical Evangelical Christianity
Their picture of heaven includes Jerry Falwell preaching fire and brimstone sermons; ours does too, only with Mystery Science Theater 3000 style commentary from Bill Hicks and Sam Kinison.

Comedists – lots of mother-in-law jokes, Mormons – lots of mothers-in-law

We won't give you crap about dating a shiksa.

Mainline Islam
Since there can't be Comedist fundamentalists, you don't have to spend all your time explaining that those people don't really understand your religion.

Radical Islam
When we bomb, no one gets hurt; when we kill, the people we do it to are actually happier.

Buddhism: Life is suffering; Comedism: Carrot Top...o.k., six of one, half dozen of the other...

Unitarian Universalism
You can still believe whatever the hell you want, only we let you sleep in on Sundays, too.

On the bright side, you get to keep Carlin; on the brighter side, you get to give up Hitchens.

Our religion is about jokes instead of being one.

Have a great weekend everyone.

Live, love, and laugh,

Irreverend Steve