Friday, December 21, 2007

Happy Festivus

Brothers, Sisters, and Transgendered Comedists Everywhere,

Yes, it is that time of year again. Happy Festivus, everyone. On these, the shortest days of the year, we recall the words of Steve Martin, "A day without sunshine is like...night."

I want extend a happy holidays to all of our friends in other religions celebrating your special times, although I've got to admit that not all of your rituals make a lot of sense to me. I mean the pagan party at the coldest darkest time of the year I get, but...

I've always wondered what would happen in the case of a child who misbehaved all year and wrote Santa to tell him that what he wanted most was a new addition to his coal collection.

Why isn't it considered lying to put out a stocking twice as big as anything that would actually fit on your foot and pretending it is yours for the sole purpose of fitting more loot inside of it? And on top of that, you have the chutzpah to lie to a guy who supposedly knows everything about your life. How do you get away with it?

So let me get this straight, Chanukkah is a celebration of the Jews being in the Middle East and not having oil.

The holiday is to commemorate a single day's supply of oil lasting eight days. A little bit of oil kept the flame going without stopping, yet the birthday candles they sell for menorahs today burn down in less than an hour and half.

Put all the questions about Christmas and Chunkkah together, however, and what do you get? This Festivus carol from Brandon Harris Walker: Once again, my fellow Comedists, happy Festivus.

Please use the comments for the traditional airing of the grievances.

Live, love, and laugh,

Irreverend Steve