Saturday, January 10, 2009

Comedist Sunday School

Brothers, Sisters, and Transgendered Comedists everywhere,

It has been a while since we've spoken of the foundations of Comedist theology, so for those who are recent additions to the Playground and the new religion, let's review.

Comedism came about because of a flaw in all other major religions. Their God is supposedly all perfect and they quickly list their Diety's virtues including being all-knowing, all-powerful, and all-loving. But then it hit me, if I were trapped on a deserted island with someone, what property would be most important? A sense of humor...something lacking not only in their God, but in so many of His followers as well...especially the most reverent. And you can't blame them, look at their sacred texts. No jokes. Not even one "'Knocketh, knocketh,' sayeth the Lord."

It was something I discovered while teaching a course in philosophy of religion at the United States Naval Academy while writing my dissertation. I taught several places so that I could afford rice and ramen noodles and when teaching a night course in ethics at Anne Arundel Community College, I was distinguishing between social mores and ethical precepts. One student raised his hand and asked, "Steve, what are mores?" I looked at him and replied, "When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's a more."

A warm feeling went through my body as I was bathed in groans. I felt my spirit separate from my body. I knew that I was in the presence of the Divine, no not the 300 pound transvestite, but that would have been incredibly cool, too. No, it was the Cosmic Comic. It had to be. The odds of a set-up that perfect occurring naturally was staggering. It was comedic design. It had to be.

That was when it all came together. Our lives on Earth are a test, we are given a certain number of set-ups. Those whose punchlines we deliver, count as one in our favor. But then there are the other ones...

When I wasn't writing or teaching, I had a habit of taking long walks to clear my head and work through the chapter I was trying to write. On one such walk, I was strolling up a long hill when a couple was walking in the opposite direction. As they came closer they looked at me with strange expressions and the man said, "Excuse me, didn't we just see you with a dog?" I said, "I'm sorry. You must have me confused with someone else. I don't have a dog." As they walked past me, I realized that the correct answer was an indignant, "Excuse me, that was my wife." I had blown a divine set-up. It was one against me.

When one dies, your soul goes up and there behind the pearly gates is Saint Shecky with the great book. If you made more jokes than you missed, you are allowed into Comedy heaven where you may sit at the right hand of Groucho. If you missed more than you made, it's Comedy Heaven where it is very hot and all drinks are in dribble glasses, where all chairs have whoopie cushions and you are forced to watch re-runs of Three's Company for all of eternity, or is it one episode of Three's Company? Either way, same thing.

So, our God is funnier than their God. Our sacred scripture is, of course, the Comedist Manifesto, and excerpts can be read here and here. Our most sacred holiday is Saint Shecky's Day, that is, April 1. I was quite vigorously reminded by the editors of Shecky Magazine (a wonderful on-line resource for the stand-up community and all who love stand-up comedy) that Shecky Green is still very much alive, a fact we are all happy about, above all the man himself, but in Comedism one does not need to die to be a saint, to the contrary, one must regularly kill. The Christians make so much of Christ having died and then standing-up three days later; hell, comedians die all the time and then have to stand-up the very next night with the same material.

To join our congregation, all you have to do is say you did. We do tithe, but instead of donating money, from time to time we will pass the plate and ask for donations of jokes. Please give generously. to show you what it looks like, this week, let's keep with our theme and ask for religious jokes.

My contributions:

A priest has a rabbi over for dinner and as they are discussing politics and theology, they sit down for dinner which is served by the priest's gorgeous housekeeper. With raised eyebrows, the rabbi looks at the priest who responds, "I know what you are thinking, but she is just my housekeeper." The rabbi says, "I'm not insinuating anything."

A week later, the rabbi gets a letter from the priest. "Dear Rabbi, I'm not saying you stole our silver ladle, I'm not saying you did not. I'm merely stating the fact that we had it before you came to dinner and did not after." The rabbi responds with a note that reads, "I'm not saying you sleep with your housekeeper, I'm not saying you don't. But if you look on her pillow, you will find your ladle."
Here's another
The Pope dies at the exact same time as a Jewish lawyer. Saint Peter looks at them and says, "Congratulations, you may both enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Let me show you to your new homes." they get in a golf cart and putter down the golden lane. Saint Peter stops in front of a palatial mansion and says to the lawyer, "Here is where you will spend eternity." Graciously thanking him, the lawyer walks into the grand estate. "Wow," thinks the Pope to himself, if that's what a Jewish lawyer gets, imagine my home." Saint Peter stops next in front of a nondescript row-house. "Here you go." "Um, I don't mean to question God's will or complain, Saint Peter," the Pope says, "but compared with the last one, this seems a bit, how shall I put it, plain." "Saint Peter looks at him and says, "Well, up here, Popes we got plenty of, but Jewish lawyers..."

So, deep deep and give. Those long-time congregants, show the newbies how it's done.

Live, love, and laugh,

Irreverend Steve