My Latest Conspiracy Theory

So, I was working on an intro to a new bit I'm writing on the fake rubber testicles that you now find hanging off the trailer hitches of large pick-up trucks and working another open mic with a bunch of guy comedians -- not just males, but real guys -- and it hit me hard.

If one has a desire and at the same time has power, the rational agent will use the power to maximize the likelihood of satisfying the desire. Nothing deep or difficult there. Yet, males seem to have as a primary desire that they seek quite vigorously, dedicating a lot of time, money, effort, and concern to whether they get it and fretting when they don't.

At the same time, it is a male dominated culture. The social power is largely in the hands of males. Yet, they spend that power reinforcing in each other those behaviors that are likely to minimize the likelihood of satisfying their primary desire. "Dude, you're turning down these tickets to the game to go to dance lessons? That's so gay." Few tools in the social tool box are more effective at controlling male behavior than "that's so gay." It not only affects the individual, but defines masculinity as a concept.

But, and here's where the conspiracy pops up, it is almost without exception that the things labeled as "that's so gay," are in fact the very things that would maximize one's chances of that which is, in fact, contrary to homosexuality. Spending most of my time in academic settings or hanging out with the family, I don't spend a lot of time anymore in guy culture, but it really shocked me how almost orchestrated it is that guys do to each other exactly what they have to in order to make sure that they individually and as a group do not get any. Being emotionally responsive to someone you care about, having passionate interests that would make you an interesting person to talk to or be with, exactly the things that would make one a source of real interest are the things that are discouraged with nothing short of hostility.

Something so clean, so perfect could not be mere accident. It seemed as if these behaviors are introduced by someone or a group of someones who intentionally do not want man to succeed in their quest.

At this point, I don't know if it is a star chamber, a small cabal of men, seeking to keep the secret to themselves or if it is, in fact, a major offensive by the united front of lesbians trying to make the competition into a bunch of unattractive morons. Watching the other routines last night, it just all seemed a little too exact, a little too perfect to be accidental. Surely that many men cannot be that stupid, working against their own self-interest, it must be a conspiracy.