Thursday, June 08, 2006

My Favorite Martyr

For an introduction to Comedism, the new religion; passages from our holy skriptures, The Comedist Manifesto; Comedist support for evolution and gay marriage; how Comedism was founded; and a note on the War on Comedy, see these links.

This weekend's homily:

A Comedic Argument for the Existence of God:

So this week, a man in the Ukraine climbs into the lion cage in the Kiev zoo saying, "God will save me, if he exists." The man is then killed by one of the lions. Contrary to his hypothesis, this does not prove that God doesn't exist -- just that God has a very, very dark sense of humor.

Fortunately for this Ukrainian gentleman, there is one part of Comedy heaven for those we laugh with and another part for those we laugh at. He shall sit at the right hand of God, of course, that's the hand with the joy buzzer and the seat with the whoopee cushion... Worse yet, he will have to endure seeing it replayed on the Divine high definition big screen every Thursday night on the re-runs of "Humanity's Greatest Home Videos". For all of eternity, he now has to put up with, "No, no, no, here's where the lion goes for his spleen! Boy, I love that part. Hey, Yuri, what's say we go to the zoo tomorrow?"

I leave you, my friends, with this:

An out of work mime was trying everything to find a gig. Finally, he asked the town's zookeeper if there was anything he could do there. The zookeeper said that their gorilla had just died and he asked the mime if he would be willing to dress up in a gorilla suit and work in the cage until they could get a new one. Needing a job, the mime said, "Ok."

The next morning the mime went to work. He could lay around all he wanted, take naps when he felt like it, make fun of the people looking, in fact, the more fun he had, the more people came to watch. But, eventually the crowds died down in favor of the lion in the next cage.

In an effort to recapture attention, he climbed out of his cage and over to the lion's cage where he dangled down from the bars on top. This angered the lion who started to roar at the mime. The crowd loved it. So much so that the zoo keeper gave the mime a raise.

The next day he not only hung from the cage, but started throwing nuts at the lion. The lion was furious. The day after that he started dropping banana peels in front of the lion. The lion growled and clawed up at the mime who stayed just out of reach. Each day the taunting advanced. Each day the lion grew more and more enraged. Each day the crowds grew. Each day the mime got yet another raise.

But one day, the mime slipped and fell into the cage right in front of the lion. The mine tried to run away, but the lion pounced on him and held him down as he showed his large, sharp teeth. The mime started screaming "Help! Please, someone help me!" as loudly as he could. The lion slapped him and whispered in his ear, "Shut up, you moron! Are you trying to get us both fired?"