Thursday, July 13, 2006

Pity Party: Whom Do You Feel Sorry For Today?

A lot of people to feel sorry for in this installment:

I feel sorry for the writers of The Onion. With the announcement of a "White House Director of Lessons Learned," how do you possibly write satire that outpaces this administration?

I feel sorry for the herring in the barrel presented to President Bush in Germany yesterday. When it comes to dead fish, it now has to compete with the administration's plans to privatize Social Security for notoriety.

I feel sorry for Bill O'Reilly. When Zinedine Zidane was awarded the "Shortfused Idiot of the Week" award, it broke Falafel Bill's 58 week streak -- a mere 3 weeks short of the record. The similarities, however, are remarkable: Zidane wins it for a headbutt, where O'Reilly generally wins it for having his head up his butt.

I feel sorry for Siegfried and Roy's personal tailor. Poor guy is now stuck with yards and yards of metallic fabric that he will never be able to use.

I feel sorry for God. It must be tough to figure out how to break the news to Rick Santorum that he is being traded. After representing the Divine will in the Senate for these dozen years, next season Little Ricky will be suiting up for the "K-Street Warriors" representing as a lobbyist every cause beloved by Satan himself.

Finally, I feel sorry for the man who invented the chain letter. Poor guy had his own luxury suite in hell until he got a roommate with the passing of Ken Lay this week...and since the devil loves irony, deregulation of the energy market will bring about rolling electrical blackouts throughout the underworld causing the air conditioning to be out for decades at a time.

Who is it that you feel sorry for today?