Pity Party

It's been a very long time since we've pulled this one out of moth balls.  The question is simple, "Whom do you feel sorry for?"

I feel sorry for the Chinese security officer who was in charge of overseeing Chen Guangcheng's house arrest.  I cannot imagine what it must have felt like to have to call your superior and tell him that the blind man under house arrest whom you were supposed to be watching had escaped.  How do you say "Inspector Clouseau" in Mandarin?

I feel sorry for people who thought they were going to be making a killing on the Facebook IPO only to have the price go down.  I guess there's a difference between liking a stock and "liking" a stock.

So, whom do you feel sorry for?

Pity Party

Haven't done this one in a while. Whom do you feel sorry for this week?

I feel sorry for Fred Phelps, spiritual leader of the Westboro Baptist Church, who has spent the last decade working his tail off to become the undisputed face of ignorant religious bigotry and lunacy for this nation only to get upstaged by some moron from Florida who threatens to burn the Koran on 9/11. All that work, all those signs, all the miles he's traveled protesting funerals and this schmuck gets national air time and even mentioned by the President for something that takes no creativity. Burning the Koran is so 1933, c'mon, and HE gets the attention? Dude, you were robbed.

I feel sorry for the fire chief of Boulder, Colorado. A major wildfire is raging and he goes before the t.v. cameras to report and tell the people that he understands their pain. Among those displaced by the fire and fearing for their homes and possessions, he disclosed, are his in-laws who are now living with him. No one wants this situation to end as soon as possible more than I do, he told the crowd of reporters. He said that he clearly understands how stressful the situation is.

I feel sorry for the nation's wealthy. Sure, we have a ballooning deficit, but not to extend the Bush tax cuts to those who are rich is absurd. Why punish the successful who worked so hard to inherit their wealth? Why take money from those who earn hundreds of times more than others who work long hours creating the products and services that generate their deservedly massive salaries. It's not fair asking them to pay their fair share.

So, whom do you feel sorry for today?

Pity Party

Quick note: I will be playing HighTops in Timonium Sunday night. It's a new venue for comedy and supposed to be a very nice room, so support is greatly appreciated. It's a free show with some quite good comics on the bill, so I can guarantee some laughs and I'll be doing new material, so please come out if you can.

It's been a while since we've had a pity party, so let's go at it.

I feel sorry for Mel Gibson. His wife of 28 years is divorcing this wonderful, kind, upstanding, anti-Semitic, piece of garbage who called a female police officer "Sugartits." The irony would be if she had a Jewish lawyer.

I feel sorry for George Will. Long considered the heir to William F. Buckley as the primary voice of reason and elitist intellect on the right, his period of dotage has arrived. Sure, it was bad to write a misinformed piece denying global warming, and then follow it up with more denials of global warming in which the researchers whose data he was interpreting publicly said that he had misunderstood their work. But now, this piece is just plain sad. He is railing against the wearing of blue jeans. "Those kids today in their dungarees..." I think we've finally reached that point where mom and dad have no choice but to agree to move gramps into an assisted living facility here, we just can't care for George Will at home anymore.

I feel sorry for Norm Coleman. Not only did he lose, but now he reminds me of Michael Schaivo. His beloved bid to keep his Senate seat has been dead for months and everyone knows it, but it has been kept on artificial life support by right-wingers for nothing but temporary and shallow political gain. Let it die with dignity, please.

So, who do you feel sorry for?

Pity Party

Time for a pity party. Whom do you feel sorry for?

I feel sorry for the line workers at Kellogg's. Here we are in a recession, their jobs hanging by a thread, and their management goes and drops Michael Phelps as a spokesperson because he smoked pot. Kellogg, one of the world's largest snack manufacturers, say he doesn't represent the image they want, doesn't attract the market they are seeking. After all, potheads are not known to be large snack food consumers. No, instead, they'll just go back to the skateboarding, English speaking tiger.

I feel sorry for Hilda Solis whose nomination for Labor Secretary is being held hostage because of her support for legislation like the Employee Free Choice Act. Republicans are saying that her support for laws that would be of great importance to working men and women makes her unfit to head the Department of Labor.

I feel sorry for the friend of Nadya Suleman, the woman who just had octuplets after already giving birth to six other children. According to the AP, "Suleman, who now has 14 children, says all were conceived through in vitro fertilization with sperm donated by a friend." Dude, next time a neighbor comes to the door wiht a turkey baster and asks all innocent-like if she can borrow a cup of semen, tell her you just ran out.

So, whom do you feel sorry for today?

Pity Party: Whom Do You Feel Sorry For?

Been a while since we've had a pity party, so let's open it up.

This week, I feel sorry for Joe Lieberman. Apparently, John "Maverick" McCain really wanted to pick Holy Joe as his VP choice, but Karl Rove, the Bushes, and party insiders said no. McCain caved, being the maverick he is, not wanting to buck his party and instead of Romney (whom they were trying to shove down his throat), he chose Palin. And after all the time Joe spent checking McCain's bearings, he goes and chooses someone else. So, in the end, poor Lieberman gets rejected by the Democratic Party for being a Republican, only to get rejected by the Republican Party for being an Independent Democrat.

I feel sorry for David Duchovny. He's in treatment for sex addiction. The guy just put out a film that's a sequal to the X-Files, so it only stands to reason that his next project would be the XXX-Files. He was just doing research.

I feel sorry for Levi Johnston, the unmarried father of Bristol Palin's child or as Michele Malkin would put it, the "baby daddy". Describing himself on his Facebook page as a "fuckin' redneck," he's on his way to St. Paul for the world's most televised shotgun wedding. Kids make lots of mistakes, but this one goes to the top of the all-time "wrong place, wrong time" list.

I feel sorry for George W. Bush. He costs McCain his shot at the White House in 2000 with false smears about having a black child out of wedlock and how does McCain show his gratitude? He cuts Bush from the Republican National Convention, allowing him to do a videolink from the Oval Office. And apparently, W is pissed. After Bush chose sharing birthday cake with McCain instead of leading the nation during Katrina, McCain goes and chooses a hurricane over Bush. Is that what passes for loyalty today? I mean really.

So, whom do you feel sorry for today?

Pity Party: Whom Do You Feel Sorry For Today?

This week, I feel sorry for Neville Chamberlain. Here's a guy who has been utterly and completely vilified and all he did was agree to split the Czech. I mean, c'mon, give the guy a break. After all, it was Hitler who wanted to go Dutch...and go Polish, and go Austrian, and go Belgian, and go Danish, and go French, and go Russian...

I feel sorry for Joe Lieberman. I know holy Joe really, really, REALLY wants to be McCain's VP pick, but this is going a step too far:


And I thought Obama meant it metaphorically...

Finally, I feel sorry for Minnesota Senator Norm Coleman. Reporters suggested that a crude double entendre was inherent in the name of his ex-model wife's new hair care product, the "Blo and Go." Never mind, that Senator Coleman lives a short drive away from his former colleague Larry Craig's favorite hangout at the Minneapolis/St. Paul International Airport, the mere insinuation of such a reference surely offends his sense of family values. With irony like this, how can anyone doubt the existence of a Cosmic Comic and our theory of humorous design?

So, whom do you feel sorry for today?

Pity Party: Who Do You Feel Sorry For Today?

Once again time for a pity party.

I feel sorry for Vicki Iseman. I mean if you have to deny sleeping with someone famous and powerful, don't make it John McCain who looks like your creepy grandfather.

I feel sorry for the American Leadership Project, the new pro-Hillary swiftboat group targeting Obama in Texas, Ohio, and Pennsylvania. When you have a matephorical mountain to climb, it's probably not a good idea to choose an acronym that evokes real mountains. It would be like starting a group to curb binge drinking on campuses and calling it Drinking Really Undermines New Knowledge.

I feel sorry for Raul Castro. After all those years, he finaly gets control of the government and military and still his big brother keeps the uniform and the beard. All the headaches without any of the cool stuff...that stinks.

So, who do you feel sorry for this week?

Pity Party: Who Do You Feel Sorry For Today?

We haven't had a pity party here in a while, so we're overdue.

This week I feel sorry for the makers of roller coasters. Thanks to the stock market, they have joined the first baker who sliced bread, the ship-builders who gave us the Titanic, and the engineers who designed the Hindenburg as creators of the world's most worn-out metaphors.

I feel sorry for George W. Bush's speech writers. They've got his last State of Union address to write, a historical document that will be analyzed for generations and for it they are restricted to only using variants of the word "quack."

Finally, I feel sorry for Fred Thompson. He was hailed as the savior of the GOP when he was considering a run and now he leaves having attracted very little voter support. What does it say about our country when a aged, white, conservative actor who speaks of the Soviet Union can no longer be made President of the United States of America?

So, who do you feel sorry for this week?

Pity Party: Who Do You Feel Sorry For?

Been a while since we've done this one, so here goes:

I feel sorry for Marcel Marceau. While I appreciate Gwydion's call for a moment of silence, I suppose the real irony is that he is now indeed a man trapped in a box.

I feel sorry for the private defense contractors in Iraq working for Blackwater Security. I'm just glad that our mainstream media has a sense of perspective on this story, I mean, all they did was to murder some innocent people, it's not like they were trying to steal sports memorabilia or something.

I feel sorry for General David Petraeus. Not only did that liberal group Move On.org pick up on his own troops calling him "General Betray-us," but his boss Admiral William Fallon, the head of Central Command, called him "an ass-kissing little chickenshit." Come on here, people, that's not nice. I agree with Congress that American soldiers should not be working in a hostile environment.

So, who do you feel sorry for this week?

Pity Party: Who Do You Feel Sorry For?

I feel sorry for Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. Having to wait to see if the Senate passed a no confidence resolution against you. Man, that had to be torture. No one should have to go through that.

I feel sorry for the guy who (purportedly) supplied Barry Bonds with his steroids. The man is the Karl Rove of baseball, but where are his headlines?

I feel sorry for Mike Gravel. Not because he has no chance of getting the Democratic nomination for President, but because Al Sharpton is to Mike Gravel as Dick York is to Dick Sargent. It's got to be tough to be the New Coke of the 2008 Democratic Presidential contenders.

So, who do you feel sorry for today?

Pity Party: Who Do You Feel Sorry For Today?

I feel sorry for Monica Goodling, the former aide to Alberto Gonzales who has to plead the 5th in her bid not to testify before Congress in the US Attorney scandal. A member of the Bush administration's Department of Justice going to the Constitution for protection must be like Ken Lay asking a former Enron employee to lend him five bucks 'til payday.

I feel sorry for Rush Limbaugh's fact checker. I mean, c'mon dude, if you are going to be a non-existent being, at least be an intersting one like a unicorn, Iraqi WMDs, or John McCain's chances of winning the Republican presidential nomination.

I feel sorry for Terry Anderson. This guy must be PISSED. I mean, not only was he held for 2,454 days by the Iranians, but when they released him, he didn't get a gift bag and a free suit.

Who do you feel sorry for today?

Pity Party: Who Do You Feel Sorry For Today?

I feel sorry for the Chinese Jenny Craig. Here it is New Year's, their busiest season of the year, but in the year of the pig, who wouldn't use it as an excuse to find a different resolution?

I feel sorry for Pamela Anderson. Anna Nicole has now set the bar far too high for what a large breasted blond needs to do to get press attention.

I feel sorry for the father of our country. Having W give a Presidents' Day speech on Washington is like getting Baron von Hindenburg to give a dissertation on the Wright brothers.

Who do you feel sorry for?

Pity Party: Who Do You Feel Sorry For?

Lots of people deserving pity recently. Here are mine:

I feel sorry for George Allen. Former Senator Macaca tried so hard, but with Keith Ellison, the first Muslim American Congressman, being sworn in with Thomas Jefferson's personal copy of the Koran, Virgil Goode replaces Allen as the biggest racist jackass to be recently elected from Virginia.

I feel sorry for Chevy Chase, with Gerald Ford having gone the way of his talk show, one of his classic bits is gone forever.

I feel sorry for Rush Limbaugh. Nixon and Reagan both used the FBI to cover up the fact that William Renquest was addicted to painkillers and suffering from paranoid delusions. The fact that Limbaugh's own drug addiction and paranoid delusions were allowed to be made public clearly means that he just isn't that important to the conservative movement.

I feel sorry for Generals Casey and Abizade and John Negroponte. I thought that when Bush demoted you for not doing your job well, he was supposed to give you the medal of freedom.

So who do you feel sorry for today?

Pity Party: Who Do You Feel Sorry For Today?

I feel sorry for Dick Durbin. Having your intellectual property stolen by George Allen is like getting mugged by Steven Hawking.

On that note, I feel sorry for Macaques. Being associated with George Allen is a terrible insult to one's primate status. What's next in his move to court bigoted voters, is he going to pick on the Rhesus monkeys and take a stand against inter-racial marriage?

I feel sorry for Idina Menzel. Sure she won a Tony Award for playing the Wicked Witch, but Katherine Harris got to go to Congress.

Speaking of Oz, I feel sorry for the crocs down under. For years they saved face by saying the guy was untouchable.

Who do you feel sorry for today?

Pity Party: Who Do You Feel Sorry For Today?

I feel sorry for Tony Blair. It's got to be tough to be Bush's lapdog. I mean, after that Barney incident, you know the whole world is watching just to see how hard he drops you on your head.

I feel sorry for CNN anchor Chuck Roberts who was dogged into apologizing for referring to Ned Lamont, the Democratic candidate for Senate in Connecticut, as "the al-Qaeda candidate." Sure, repeating such a horribly ignorant and unfounded Republican smear is cheap and extremely unprofessional, but in a profession peopled by Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh, and Don Imus (who is not only not smart or funny, but has threatened to blackball from his sorry excuse for a show any Democrat who endorses Lamont -- you know, the actual democratically elected candidate), Roberts must feel like the guy who gets pulled over in the middle lane doing 70 while being passed by a car doing 95 with a broken tail-light and a driver with a beer in one hand and a joint in the other.

I feel sorry for those of us blog readers who have dial-up connections and who have found that many of the blogs that we used to enjoy reading for their fine writing and insightful commentary now seemingly post nothing but you-tube links instead of, well, actual content. You kids with your you-tube. Why back in my days in the blogosphere, people used to read and write. But now all you do is sit in front of that damn tube with your crazy hair and rock music. If you tried to pretend you had content with such nonsense back then, you would get flamed...and you were glad to be flamed, we appreciated the value of a good flaming back then. Builds character, it does. Not like you kids today where "Hey it's an old Souxsie and the Banshees clip" passes for a deep post.

I feel sorry for everyone who isn't Brock at Battle Panda and didn't write the sentence,

"I've long said that it's a good thing that Richard Reid wasn't the ass-bomber, or we'd all be dropping trou for the TSA."

Yeah, we're all glad he chose the shoe. The airport security folks are bad enough the way they use that wand now. Then again, the explosive materials detection device works by blowing a puff of air...it would be kind of cool to see what it must be like to be the president.

So...who do you feel sorry for today?

Pity Party: Whom Do You Feel Sorry For Today?

A lot of people to feel sorry for in this installment:

I feel sorry for the writers of The Onion. With the announcement of a "White House Director of Lessons Learned," how do you possibly write satire that outpaces this administration?

I feel sorry for the herring in the barrel presented to President Bush in Germany yesterday. When it comes to dead fish, it now has to compete with the administration's plans to privatize Social Security for notoriety.

I feel sorry for Bill O'Reilly. When Zinedine Zidane was awarded the "Shortfused Idiot of the Week" award, it broke Falafel Bill's 58 week streak -- a mere 3 weeks short of the record. The similarities, however, are remarkable: Zidane wins it for a headbutt, where O'Reilly generally wins it for having his head up his butt.

I feel sorry for Siegfried and Roy's personal tailor. Poor guy is now stuck with yards and yards of metallic fabric that he will never be able to use.

I feel sorry for God. It must be tough to figure out how to break the news to Rick Santorum that he is being traded. After representing the Divine will in the Senate for these dozen years, next season Little Ricky will be suiting up for the "K-Street Warriors" representing as a lobbyist every cause beloved by Satan himself.

Finally, I feel sorry for the man who invented the chain letter. Poor guy had his own luxury suite in hell until he got a roommate with the passing of Ken Lay this week...and since the devil loves irony, deregulation of the energy market will bring about rolling electrical blackouts throughout the underworld causing the air conditioning to be out for decades at a time.

Who is it that you feel sorry for today?