Comedist Wedding

Brothers, Sisters, and Transgendered Comedists Everywhere,

June is the month for weddings and it just so happens that LilBro has been asked to officate the first Comedist wedding. The two of us will sit down and write the service, but we're always looking for suggestions from our Comedist brothers and sisters.

We're figuring that the service must end with "take your wife...please," although some of the other Henny Youngman lines may be a bit much.

Why are divorces so expensive? They're worth it.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

Likewise Rodney Dangerfield may not be in the best of taste,

I haven't spoken to my wife in years...I didn't want to interrupt her.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

Two must use lines, one from the immortal Groucho, hallowed be thy name.

Marriage is a fine institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

The other from Rita Rudner,

I think a man with an earring is better prepared for marriage...he's experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Let's end with two more:

You know it's not going to last when the groom introduces the bride at the reception as "my first wife."

A husband and wife were having breakfast when the wife asks, "If I died, would you remarry?" Looking up from the paper the husband says, "Huh?" "If I died, would you remarry?" Shrugging his shoulders, the husband replies, "Maybe, I guess," and goes back to reading. "Would you live in the house?" "I don't know, sure." "Would you sleep in our bed?" "Where would you sleep if not the bed?" "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" "No." "So you would live in our house and sleep in our bed, but you wouldn't let her use my golf clubs?!" "No, she's left handed."

What are your favorite marriage/wedding jokes? All donations appreciated.

Live, love, and laugh,

Irreverend Steve