Thursday, April 01, 2010

Happy Saint Shecky's Day

My Fellow Comedists,

This is the holiest day of year for Comedists, the feast day of Saint Shecky. For those unschooled in the new religion, it all began when I was teaching an ethics class at a community college and was trying to explain the difference between ethical precepts and social mores. A student raised his hand and asked "what are mores?" to which I replied, "When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's a more." At that moment, I knew that I was in the presence of something bigger. Set ups that perfect don't just happen randomly. no, this was evidence of comic design. It had to show the hand of the Cosmic Comic.

And so began Comedism. Others claim God to be all-knowing, all-loving, and all-powerful, but fail to understand that He/She/They are in fact all-funny. The universe is a joke and only the righteous are in on it.

The central theological notion of Comedism is the joke. Jokes have two parts, a set up which leads to to think of a situation in one way and a punchline which makes you realize there was a different way to see it. And that is the key to living the Comedist life, there is always another perspective, another way to understand things. There can be no Comedist fundamentalists because the foundational principles of Comedism speak against privileged, unique interpretations. Fundamentalists aren't funny, can't be funny -- well, not intentionally anyway.

So on this holiest of days, let us read from our sacred scripture, the Comedist Manifesto:

In the beginning, there was the LORD. And He was funny.

On the first day, the LORD made light. He made light of everything. And the LORD sat back and said, "This is funny."

On the second day, the LORD created the Heavens and the Earth (in a way that is completely consistent with our best current geological theories). And He created the sun, and did moon the Earth. And the LORD sat back and said, "This is funny."

On the third day, the Lord looked upon the Earth and created the land and seas. Upon the land He did create plants. And then He took the plant from the Earth and the water from the sea and created the squirting lapel flower. And the LORD sat back and said, "This is funny."

On the fourth day, the LORD created the animals. He created the chicken and its rubber facsimile. He created the elephant. And He sayeth unto the pachyderm, "Funny, you don't look Jewish." And he did elongate the trunk. The giraffe, upon seeing this, laughed and craned his short neck to gaze again upon the elephant's protruding proboscis. And the LORD sayeth unto the giraffe, "Think that was funny spot boy? Watch this." And the LORD placed the elephant and the giraffe side-by-side. And He did giggle. And the LORD did lose track of how many zebras He had created. And so He put bar codes on them. And the LORD sat back and said, "This is funny."

On the fifth day, the LORD created man in His own image, only not quite so well-endowed. And looking upon his loins, man sayeth unto the LORD, "What is this, some kind of joke?" And the LORD sat back and said, "This is funny."

On the sixth day, the LORD sayeth unto man, "No, but this is." And the LORD created woman. And woman did look at the loins of man. And she did laugh. And the LORD sayeth unto man, "Behold, your wife...please." And man did sayeth unto the LORD, "Behold her? I just met her." And the LORD sat back and said, "This is funny."

On the seventh day, the LORD did rest and sayeth unto the angels, "Watch this." And the LORD did sayeth unto man and woman that they could live in the apartment above the Garden of Eden Novelty Shop, rent-free. But that they could not partake of the fruit of the Tree of Comedy. And as a joke, the LORD had created woman a week before her period and had placed only a small amount of chocolate in the apartment. And she was pissy. And so woman did go to the Tree of Comedy. And she did take the yellow, elongated fruit. And she did cast aside its casing. And she ate of the fruit of the Tree of Comedy. Seeing this, man did comment upon the shape of the fruit of the Tree of Comedy and its similarity to the shape of his own loins. And he did quip that woman seemed to have no problem taking the fruit into her mouth. And woman did retort that the fruit was much larger, although just as hard. And man did turn to storm away. And man's foot did fall upon the peel of the fruit of the Tree of Comedy. And man did fall...down a flight of stairs...onto a skateboard...across the floor...out a window...and head first into a perfectly placed pool of jello. From the jello, the hindquarters of man did protrudeth. Looking down upon the hindquarters of man, woman did ask the serpent about the sphincter between the hindquarters. And the serpent did sayeth unto woman, "Rectum? Damn near killed him." And the LORD sat back and said, "This is fucking hilarious."


Live, love, and laugh,

Irreverend Steve