Thursday, May 01, 2008

Snark Bait

It's the end of the semester here in Ivory Towerland, meaning that everyone is alternating between punchy and pissy. What better time to unveil a new occasional series of posts I'm going to call "snark bait" in which a one-liner-worthy story is posted designed to attract your best shots.

The first one comes from Pittsburgh (with a big tip of the hat to JudiPhilly)

So Dr. David Wielechowski, a Pittsburgh dentist, had just married his beloved Christa Vattimo when...

According to a criminal complaint, the Wielechowskis had just checked into the Holiday Inn-McKnight Road in Ross and were ready to enter their room on the seventh floor when they began arguing.

Dr. Wielechowski "then used a karate-style kick with his leg to kick Christa, knocking her to the floor," the complaint reads.
O.k., assault and battery on the way into the honeymoon suite, irony enough for a good post. But it gets better.
Upon hearing her screams, two guests of the hotel who had been attending another wedding reception ran to Mrs. Wielechowski's aid. But when they attempted to restrain Dr. Wielechowski, he began fighting the would-be rescuers only to have Mrs. Wielechowski "turn against [them] and also begin to assault them," according to the complaint.

The fight moved from the hallway into an elevator, then spilled out onto the floor of the lobby, where Dr. and Mrs. Wielechowski picked up metal planters containing live plants and threw them into the elevator at the two rescuers, the complaint says.

Police said both Dr. and Mrs. Wielechowski punched and wrestled with the rescuers, who were left with injuries that included cuts, a tooth knocked out and a possibly broken thumb.

The complaint estimates $1,000 in damage to the hotel, including to the elevator, the planters and plants.
She turned on the people trying to help her. What was in this woman's mind? "Hey, they are trying to deprive my dear husband of something he cares about -- beating the crap out of me. How dare they. I need to stand by my man. I'll give them what for."
Dr. Wielechowski initially was taken to UPMC Passavant in McCandless for examination of possible injuries, then to the Allegheny County Jail, where his wife already had been booked. They spent the night in separate holding cells until they were released on their own recognizance late yesterday morning...

Mrs. Wielechowski, still dressed in her wedding gown, was picked up by her father and taken home. No one was awaiting Dr. Wielechowski, whose left eye was blackened and swollen shut. He was arraigned wearing tuxedo pants, a bloodied T-shirt and one shoe.
So, there's the snark bait. My shots:

"Boy, I don't even want to think about what they did feeding each other that first slice of wedding cake."

"I wonder if the mug shots go in the wedding album."

Have at it.