Saturday, July 25, 2009

Doctor, It Hurts When I Do This

My Fellow Comedists,

With all the discussion about healthcare, it seems a good time for some medicine jokes.

Here's something from a bit I'm working on:

I've always thought that 'pap smear' was the worst name out there for a medical test. I have no idea what pap is, but surely you should be more delicate with it. "Dab the pap, gentle, don't just smear it around. What do you think you're putting cream cheese on a bagel?!"

The only other one as bad is the western blot. "Sorry, Mr. Gimbel, but we're going to have to run a western blot." What is a blot? Whatever it is, it doesn't sound like something you run. Blot? Now THAT sounds like something you smear. And it's always a western blot, never one of those liberal, elitist, Harvard-educated eastern blots. No, this is a blot you want to have a beer with. A western blot is just like a regular blot, except that it comes with green peppers and onions. Add jalapenos and salsa and you've got a southwestern blot. Run it for the border.

I had a western blot once, back a few years ago when I had lyme disease. I didn't actually need the western blot, I knew I had lyme disease when I was overcome by the sudden urge to bathe in Corona. With the way these viruses mutate, it's only a matter of time until we have diseases for all the flavors of Absolut. "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have mango-apricot disease." It's true. You know mohitos largely are repsonsible for the transmission of mahalaria.

You know why we haven't cured swine flu yet? Because most medical researchers are Jewish. Remember a couple years ago when it was the avian flu we were so scared of and they came up with a vaccine so quickly? Of course. These guys understand chicken soup. No problem grabbing that littel bug by the knadles. But THIS is swine flu, we're talking pork here.

A few classics:
Do pediatiricans take off every Wednesday to play miniature golf?

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren’t so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

"What took you so long to answer?"

"I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion."

Doctor: "I've got very bad news. You've got cancer and Alzheimer's."

Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"
So, what are your favorite doctor jokes?

Live, love, and laugh,

Irreverend Steve