Saturday, July 04, 2009

Pass the Plate: American Style

My Fellow Comedists,

This weekend we celebrate the 4th of July, so this makes for a good time to pass the plate. Other religions ask that you contribute money, but in Comedism, we tithe jokes. This time, it'll be jokes about any part of America.

Here are my contributions:

From my routine: I love to play the license plate game. Do you do this on long trips? You know, see how many different states you can find. It's educational. Even the colors tell you so much about a state. Texas: red, white, and blue. Alabama: red, white, and blue. North Carolina: red, white, and blue. New Jersey: yellow, the exact shade of urine. Vermont, hippie central, Ben and Jerry's country: green, the kind of green where you figure to pick up your plates, you don't go to the DMV, but to the parking lot behind it where some guy in a van who gives them to you in a ziplock baggie. There's a new plate from South Carolina, a Strom Thurmond memorial plate, it's all white with eye holes cut out.

How do you know the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?
If it was invented anywhere else, it would be called the teethbrush.

Red Skelton: You think New York is bad, you ought to go to Detroit. You can go ten blocks and never leave the scene of the crime.

From Carson: Last night, it was so cold the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.

A Texan, a Californian, and a Nevadan were out riding their horses.

The Texan pulled out an expensive bottle of whiskey, took a long draught, then another, and then suddenly threw it into the air, pulled out his gun and shot the bottle in midair.

The Californian looked at the Texan and said, "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!! The Texan replied, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap.

A while later, not wanted to be outdone, the Californian pulled out a bottle of champagne, took a few sips, threw the half full champagne bottle into the air, pulled out his gun, and shot it in midair.

The Nevadan couldn't believe this and said "What the heck did you that for? That was an expensive bottle of champagne!! The Californian replied, "In California there is plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap."

A while later, the Nevadan pulled out a bottle of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. He opened it, took a sip, took another sip, then chugged the rest. He then put the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulled out his gun, turned, and shot the Californian.

The shocked Texan said "Why in the hell did you do that?"

The Nevadan replied, "Well, in Nevada we have plenty of Californians and bottles are worth a nickel."

So, friends, dig deep and give us your best.

Live, laugh, and love,

Irreverend Steve